List

This is a bucket I wrote when I was in my first year of University, so 4 years ago. I can definitely say I can scratch some things off, that's for sure. But it's so interesting to look back!


1. Go up in a hot air balloon.
2. Bungee Jump
3. Sky dive
4. Be on TV
5. Make my own wine
6. Travel Europe
7. Message in a bottle
8. Name a star
9. Learn to dance hip-hop, salsa, and ballroom.
10. Sit on a Jury
11. Ask for a raise
12. Spend New Year’s in New York City
13. Go to Vegas
14. Sponsor a child
15. Sing a song I wrote in front of an audience with a band
16. Ask a random person to go on a date
17. Write my will
18. Learn to juggle
19. Learn to skateboard properly (haha)
20. Learn to snowboard
21. Scuba Dive
22. Go repelling
23. Travel the world
24. Publish one of novels
25. Be a bartender
26. Climb one of the world 7 summits
27. Teach English in Asia
28. Go to the Olympics
29. Watch all the James Bond movies
30. Turn my phone off for a week
31. Go to an opera
32. Host a cocktail party
33. Make my own pasta (inspired by Paul)
34. Build something that will outlive me
35. Be involved in a protest rally
36. Go to a soup kitchen
37. Go to a ballet
38. Read all the plays of Shakespeare
39. Fast for a week
40. Take a vow of silence for a day
41. Give Blood
42. Test drive a car I really can’t afford
43. Kiss a stranger
44. Defy gravity
45. Write a letter to my grandchildren
46. Go white-water rafting
47. Swim with dolphins
48. Ride a camel and elephant
49. Run a marathon
50. Get in intense shape
51. Learn to say yes when you really mean no
52. Go whale watching
53. Learn to surf
54. Give mom a dozen roses
55. Read the top 100 novels of America
56. Live in a rainforest
57. Polar Dipping
58. Fall in love.

Why do people hate freedom?

Why do people hate freedom?
Not the kind of freedom where you can go out and do whatever you wish to do, but God’s freedom, God’s love.
I believe that the definition of freedom has a different meaning to everyone... But we should love freedom, the freedom that God has given us.

Psalm 2:3, “Let us break their chains
and throw off their shackles.”

We have to trust in God, give all that is unworthy and sinful so that He can chain them at the foot of the cross and allow us to walk in freedom.

Galatians 5:16-18, “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[a] you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Galatians 5:24-26, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”

So do some people hate freedom?
Should we hate being free? No, we shouldn’t because God loves us so much that he will provide everything that we need. He loves us so much that he sent His son to die so that our sins could be left at the cross. We shouldn’t feel obligated to lay things at his feet. We shouldn’t feel forced about the things we should give up, it should just come naturally, because look at what He’s done for us. Key word, should...but it's not that easy because our spirit is in contrary to our flesh. It shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice, because look at what He’s done for us. It shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice, because the little sacrifices that we make are nothing compared to the sacrifice He made.

It’s amazing that God loved us so much that He would sacrifice His son. Now that’s real love, because God is love.

1 John 4:9-12, “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us”

He loved us first

What’s the Point?

What’s the point? Well, I’m sick of asking myself that question, so now I want you to ask yourself that question. Why do we do the things we do? Why are we so humble, prideful, and disciplined? Why are we such followers, givers, and takers? What’s the point? Why do we get out of bed in the morning? Why do we go to work and go to school? What’s the point? Why do we help others when they don’t need help? Why do we participate in events, organizations and parties? What’s the point? Why do we go to church, pray and read our bible? What’s the point?

Why do some people hate the idea of being free?

It seems like all the things I’ve listed above are things that we do daily that maybe we have asked ourselves before. Why do people hate the idea of being free, when we can’t even find a point to the daily things that we do? If we were free, we wouldn’t have to worry about those things, wouldn’t we? So why are people afraid of freedom? Perhaps it’s the fact that freedom means we would have to give up the temporary things here on earth that only give us so much satisfaction.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been asking myself those very same questions lately, and it’s frustrating me. Makes me think that if I really knew what freedom was, then I wouldn’t be continuously asking myself what’s the point when in my heart I know the only point is love, and that’s all that matters. But why do I keep doubting myself and having panic attacks? Last night was awful. I broke down completely and lost all control and you guessed it, had an attack. I absolutely hate when it happens. I want to be free…I understand it and know it’s true but why isn’t my mind and body free? Can our spirit be free but not our flesh? Is that it? I don’t know….I’m ranting now, so that’s all for now.

A Wise Man Changes His Mind, a Fool Never

So so so so sooooooooooooooooooooo! Enough is enough!
No more bad day bears! No more negativity! This week cannot be like last week or else I might die. No more bad weeks. Fall is this Friday. So that means that this Friday has to be the best Friday ever, am I right?

I found out this week that Moncton's hiring. At first, I was ecstatic. Then, skeptical. Finally, disappointed. In the end, I know I'm not going to have the strength to do the physical requirement test, I haven't been keeping up with training. Also, financially, today I realized that I won't even be able to apply. The financial part I found out this morning, which I obviously wasn't too impressed about...and of course of all Sunday mornings I have to hear about giving and tything...so I don't know, a little bit of a slap in the face I suppose. I was so upset today in church that I feel really bad for not really sticking around afterwards to say hi to everyone, but some things that my pastor told me really hit me hard and I couldn't stop crying so I had to leave the building. All in all, whatever happens, happens. If I can pull a few hundred bucks out of my ass before the 7th of October, then great, I can pay for the fitness tests at least...that's not including an eye exam and hearing test. Lovely. So, if miraculously I can come up with this, I will continue to train. If God wants it to happen, it will. Even if I do get the finances for it, it doesn't mean that I'll pass the fitness tests, which at this point I don't think I will, and even if I did who's to say I'd get picked out of hundreds to be one of 6 to get hired. So in my mind, it's almost like I've lost already. This was the job I was waiting for. I wanted to get into Moncton so bad. It would have been perfect. 24 hour shift, 3 days off...I could have stayed in Fredericton. So many things about that job would have been perfect. But maybe it's a good thing I don't spend my money or somebody elses on something that I'm not so confident about.

With that, I realized today that if that isn't what God has planned for me, and as awesome as that job is, think of what He might have better for me. It's discouraging to pass it up... But I have to keep my chin up. I feel selfish. So I have to start living for others again. It's enough about me, it's never been about me, it's what God can do through me to help others. So use me God! I want to help others and not be so wrapped up in my own issues.

It's time to live for the fall. It's time to be a free person, and love others, and help others. It's time to laugh and be childlike. I want to be foolish like I usually am. I want people to feel like they can be crazy with me! Why not people! We only have one life, so let's live it! I'm sick of sitting around and moping. It's time to be excited about life and not exactly what God has planned, because I don't believe he has a specific plan, but what you have planned for yourself and to walk with God favoring that.

Alright, that's all I have to say. There's a little re-cab of my life at the moment. It's just about damn well time I snapped out this rut I've been in for over a month. So yeah I've had what I'd call a bad day, but man get over it. Whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see. So let this week be victorious in whatever you decide to do! Feel free and walk in God. That's all I want.

Honesty and te amos!

Today...was a much needed awesome and loving day!

Yesterday on the otherhand, not so much. I've been so excited for fall to come and I don't know why, but yesterday it just felt like man, who the heck am I kidding! I have no money, going to be car-less soon, bills to pay, and finally no job. I'm stressed to the max, and honestly still don't know how I'm going to pull things off. So, using the last bit of fuel that I have from good old Betsy, I went to the mall and got some last supplies with the last bit of money that I have (mind you I made sure I tucked away coffee money for the next week or two...gotta have some hope here). It was extremely depressing. I felt so helpless and worthless yesterday. Why can't I just get a job doing what I want to do? Anyway, there just felt like no hope in a good fall. How can there be at this point?

But today when I woke up I made a choice. I made a choice to get out of bed, even though I really didn't want too, and have an awesome day. Not only was I blessed with food, I was blessed with amazing company and love.

I've GOT to get my life back in order here. Things HAVE to start working out for me. Tomorrow I'll be dropping off resumes... but still...I'm not sure I'll get a job in time to be able to pay next months rent, phone bill ect. Seems impossible. I'm praying praying praying something comes up....I've been fighting this long to stay in Freddy, and the thought of having to leave kills me. It's just going to happen. I will get a job. It will happen. It's got too.

K so enough about that. Here's a little rant on Honesty that I just kind of rambled about yesterday afternoon.



Honesty

This can be a really interesting subject so bear with me. I thought about it, and decided that I am not going to go too in-depth with this topic, but if you want to know more about my opinion on this subject, you can ask me later.
First of all, we must understand the word honesty, which can directly be defined as the quality of being honest, stating facts to ones best knowledge. I think that we can classify honesty into two sections. There is honesty in context through human communication, where honesty falls into place of being truthful, not hiding anything, which is something that should be an anchorage to us. Then, there is honesty in the way we present ourselves, through our actions and behaviors. So, in brief, honesty is the act of being truthful by context and behavior.
So, having established what honesty is, we now have a better understanding of what it means and what it takes to be honest to ourselves, as well as those around us. We can now ask ourselves, are we truly honest to others? I believe that we are filled with more deception than honesty. We are more prone to lie and twist the truth as opposed to being truthful and honest in all aspects. Most times we are stating things to others that are not truthful, or demonstrating a false truth. It is easier for us to tell a lie then it is to tell the truth, so we’re constantly not expressing how we really feel. So is it alright to lie on occasion? Christians tend to be afraid of honesty. I believe they are afraid of honesty because they are afraid of the truth. All of these negative things are signs of lying and deception. We are not being honest with ourselves. For example, judgment. We know that we shouldn’t be judging people, but we end up doing it anyway and are afraid to admit that we do. Alright, so maybe what that person is doing isn’t right or maybe it’s something that they’ve done to cause you to judge them, but it still gives us no right to judge them. Sometimes we tend to see the bad before we ever see the good, that’s why we normally judge people before we even get a chance to know who they really are. The world is full of bad things, but why are we afraid of it and isolate ourselves from it? Don’t you think that Christians need to understand and be aware of the world before we can be able to minister? I’m not saying “Hey, go smoke a joint,” or something, but I’m saying that we should try and be apart of this world because it’s real, and you’re going to have to face it one day if you haven’t already. We have to be ourselves, because who we are is what God made us to be. Everything that we do, good or bad, (actually, you as an individual have the understanding of what you believe is good and bad) is between you and God and whether or not you’re being honest to yourself and to those around you.
Overall, if you haven’t caught on by now, all I’m trying to say is just be yourself. Don’t be two faced and do and say things that are contradicting your actions. Do not be one way around someone and change who you are to impress someone else because that is not being honest to yourself and to God. It says in proverbs 6:17 that God hates a lying tongue and in proverbs 19:1 that it is better to be poor than to be dishonest.
Finally, in Romans 12:3 it says “Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith as God has given you.”
“Be your own kind of Christian”. I know that sounds really corny and cheesy and all that jazz but seriously, think about it. Don’t act the way that other Christians are acting because it’s society that is pushing you to do that. We shouldn’t be followers of Christians, but followers of God. So, be your own Christian. We shouldn’t have to be comparing ourselves to others in the first place because as we read in Romans, we should be honestly evaluating ourselves with the faith that God has given us. Take what you know, grow from sin and learn all that you can from experiences. Don’t be afraid to be you and to apply your knowledge.

Personal Code of Conduct

I will ultimately serve to the best of my abilities, perform and complete every task that is given to me, and exceed the aspects of my abilities so that I can further and continuously improve in everything I set out to accomplish.


I will be truthful, honest, and respectful to everyone around me so that I may expect the same in return. I am not perfect, but I will strive for perfection in speaking good words and living to help others so that I can understand my acquaintances, friends, family and peers. I will be good natured and positive so that I may stay encouraged and to help encourage others. I will remember that what I do is not a job, but a passion in servitude of the greater good of my community.


I will follow the laws of my country, and stay reminded that I am a free individual who should be honoured, proud and thankful to be a part of a beautiful nation.


I will live a healthy lifestyle by staying fit and maintaining well balanced nutrition so that I can do my job to the best of my capabilities. I will stay connected with and try to strengthen myself in all of the three aspects of one’s self; mentally, physically and spiritually.


All in all, I want to be the best that I can be. I want to have passions and to not consider them “jobs”. I want to be respected, so I will respect others. I want to be reminded that being a good individual is staying truthful and honest. I will be encouraging and positive with good morals. I will stay strong, and always be fighting the good fight and living the dream.

Flash Back

Wow...well it's 4 am...so I'm not going to write much, but I found old old old old documents and journals that I kept on my old computer that has a lot of stuff I wrote back in high school. I wrote sooooo much. Like I was writing novels. So after 2 hours of going through some stuff I came across this poem I wrote in grade 11 that really demonstrated my anxiety. It's a little dark, but pretty creative actually. I'm impressed! haha. Go 15 year old Michelle for writing a pretty alright poem. here it is.

Multi-Personality

The dawn is dead my head is like lead
There’s no one here I’m shaking.
I’m cold and wet there’s a whole in my neck
That’s spitting out my anxiety
It’s hard to breath, you’re loosing me
This insanity is pulsing
To keep me awake before I break
Into a thousand pieces of my multi-personality

When you stare I glare when you run I follow
To keep up and swallow all that’s left of me
When you’re scared I’m there when you’re lost I’ve found you
In rush that’s shallow and drowning the rest of me
But it’s gone I’ve lost it our cost is forfeit
And now I hate you for stabbing and killing me
Our love has vanished you’ve slashed and smashed it
Into a thousand pieces of my multi-personality

But we lost the touch you had way too much
From the fun that was too forbidding
Your eyes are turning your tongue is burning
From all the lies you’ve given me
I gave you a chance, a mistakable trance
That you stepped on without even knowing
That I ached and cried and sweated and regretted
Alone with my multi-personality

I’m tired of your shadow that’s always behind me
I’m sick of your always wanting to tell me
That all that’s left for me is you
And I’ll never be myself but I know it’s not true
Because I have me and I know that’s all I need
To keep me safe from that shadowed face
My one disgrace I like to call my multi-personality

When you stare I glare when you run I follow
To keep up and swallow all that’s left of me
When you’re scared I’m there when you’re lost I’ve found you
In rush that’s shallow and drowning the rest of me
But it’s gone, I’ve lost it our cost is forfeit
And now I hate you for stabbing and killing me
Our love has vanished you’ve slashed and smashed it
Into a thousand pieces
My now shattered self
My own multi-personality

Letter to you

I want to talk a little more on trust, confidence, and following God. I'm still a little blown away by Sunday morning. God's just been teaching me so much lately that I honestly don't know where to put my head. I feel so filled up, it's amazing. I love God. like, I LOVE God! That's incredible. I just want to scream I love Him that much. I guess I just never really understood what it meant to trust and yeild to God, and I'm not even sure if I can even explain it. Lately I just feel like something just clicked inside of me, and I just understand that God Loves me, I accept it, and I live it. I almost don't understand how I could have lived before. Today I feel like I'm looking through a new set of eyes and seeing everything with a new light. I just can't believe how much my life has changed since I started just trusting. Like I've said before, it took everything being stripped away from me in order for God to show me I needed to be filled with Him, and not the things I thought I needed to make me happy.

Last night I got talking with a friend about regret and guilt, which is something I am still struggling with. Since Christmas last year, I've been living with a tremendous amount of guilt for loosing a very close friend. "Maybe if I would have spoken up more," or "What if I just stayed..." But I know now that everything happens for a reason, and that was the first time that I reacted by following my gut. I knew something was wrong, so I got myself out of there. It was not a pretty end to that relationship. I was torn down to the very core, and felt as though I was lower then everyone. I felt worthless. I was nothing. I was just a waitress, making not nearly enough to cover the bills. I had to walk away from my home. I was called a liar. I was told I wouldn't do anything with my life and that I was going no where. I was told I couldn't do music, that I wasn't creative, that I "sucked" at everything. I was told I was two-faced. I wasn't going to amount to anything. That I held him back from his dreams and made his life a living hell. The list could go on. It was a very dark time for me. I couldn't paint, I stopped singing. I stayed away from a keyboard. I just did what I thought maybe a worthless person should do, and not live and be free. I hated myself, everything about me. Deep down inside I knew that that wasn't me though. I'd remember who I used to be, but started to believe that it was a lie, because I started believing his lies. "Maybe he was right about everything..." I thought. This was the person that for 6 years, I trusted with my life. He was my best friend. He knew absolutely everything about me, so why shouldn't I believe it. We spent every second we possibly could together. These thoughts nearly killed me. I started to believe they were true. My whole perspective of who I was changed. It was hard, I didn't know what to do with myself half the time. I had to find who I was all over again. This is where the trust came in. I finally said yeilded and gave everything that I had to God.

This is really difficult for me to write, and I guess I've been waiting for the right time to write this. I hated just thinking about it. I was afraid to sit down and write about it, and never talked about it. Last night was the first time in probably 6 months that I was able to talk about it. I think it's because I've met my goals, and accomplished what I set out to accomplish. I finally found myself, and I know love. I have a little more confidence. I'm here to tell you, that I did it. I'm a firefighter. You thought I wouldn't and couldn't do it. You thought I was worthless, but I'm not. I mean something. I've saved people. I mean something to people. I can sing, I love music, and it's a gift. I won't stop. I am creative. I made it. I'm making something out of myself. I am living a dream. I was never responsible for you falling. I helped you. I gave up everything for you. I wanted to see you succeed. I still want the best for you, even though you want the worst for me. I'm happy. I wish you knew. Maybe someday we'll see each other again so that I can tell you in person, even though I'd rather never see you again. But I don't regret the time we had. You made me laugh, you brought out the crazy in me. For that I thank you. So this is me finally letting go. I hope the best for you, I really do. I hope that someday you feel the love that I feel. I still pray for you, and probably always will. So thank you for helping me become the person that I am today.