Letter to you

I want to talk a little more on trust, confidence, and following God. I'm still a little blown away by Sunday morning. God's just been teaching me so much lately that I honestly don't know where to put my head. I feel so filled up, it's amazing. I love God. like, I LOVE God! That's incredible. I just want to scream I love Him that much. I guess I just never really understood what it meant to trust and yeild to God, and I'm not even sure if I can even explain it. Lately I just feel like something just clicked inside of me, and I just understand that God Loves me, I accept it, and I live it. I almost don't understand how I could have lived before. Today I feel like I'm looking through a new set of eyes and seeing everything with a new light. I just can't believe how much my life has changed since I started just trusting. Like I've said before, it took everything being stripped away from me in order for God to show me I needed to be filled with Him, and not the things I thought I needed to make me happy.

Last night I got talking with a friend about regret and guilt, which is something I am still struggling with. Since Christmas last year, I've been living with a tremendous amount of guilt for loosing a very close friend. "Maybe if I would have spoken up more," or "What if I just stayed..." But I know now that everything happens for a reason, and that was the first time that I reacted by following my gut. I knew something was wrong, so I got myself out of there. It was not a pretty end to that relationship. I was torn down to the very core, and felt as though I was lower then everyone. I felt worthless. I was nothing. I was just a waitress, making not nearly enough to cover the bills. I had to walk away from my home. I was called a liar. I was told I wouldn't do anything with my life and that I was going no where. I was told I couldn't do music, that I wasn't creative, that I "sucked" at everything. I was told I was two-faced. I wasn't going to amount to anything. That I held him back from his dreams and made his life a living hell. The list could go on. It was a very dark time for me. I couldn't paint, I stopped singing. I stayed away from a keyboard. I just did what I thought maybe a worthless person should do, and not live and be free. I hated myself, everything about me. Deep down inside I knew that that wasn't me though. I'd remember who I used to be, but started to believe that it was a lie, because I started believing his lies. "Maybe he was right about everything..." I thought. This was the person that for 6 years, I trusted with my life. He was my best friend. He knew absolutely everything about me, so why shouldn't I believe it. We spent every second we possibly could together. These thoughts nearly killed me. I started to believe they were true. My whole perspective of who I was changed. It was hard, I didn't know what to do with myself half the time. I had to find who I was all over again. This is where the trust came in. I finally said yeilded and gave everything that I had to God.

This is really difficult for me to write, and I guess I've been waiting for the right time to write this. I hated just thinking about it. I was afraid to sit down and write about it, and never talked about it. Last night was the first time in probably 6 months that I was able to talk about it. I think it's because I've met my goals, and accomplished what I set out to accomplish. I finally found myself, and I know love. I have a little more confidence. I'm here to tell you, that I did it. I'm a firefighter. You thought I wouldn't and couldn't do it. You thought I was worthless, but I'm not. I mean something. I've saved people. I mean something to people. I can sing, I love music, and it's a gift. I won't stop. I am creative. I made it. I'm making something out of myself. I am living a dream. I was never responsible for you falling. I helped you. I gave up everything for you. I wanted to see you succeed. I still want the best for you, even though you want the worst for me. I'm happy. I wish you knew. Maybe someday we'll see each other again so that I can tell you in person, even though I'd rather never see you again. But I don't regret the time we had. You made me laugh, you brought out the crazy in me. For that I thank you. So this is me finally letting go. I hope the best for you, I really do. I hope that someday you feel the love that I feel. I still pray for you, and probably always will. So thank you for helping me become the person that I am today.